The Butter Blog

Except for ugly Americans, one isn’t really supposed to butter bread.

Italians dip in olive oil. And though Americans think the French put butter in everything (they do), one does not butter bread unless one puts cheese on it.

After dinner.

And of course one must butter breakfast toast, so that it’s edible.

Fortunately, real French bread is so good it can do without butter.

I remember very few things about kindergarten, or “prep” as it’s called down under. We were in a brick schoolhouse, and the bathroom was in a separate outhouse-type building. There were about 40 kids in my prep/Grade 1 class combined, and I don’t know how the hell I learned to read. On hot days, about 105 degrees Fahrenheit, we played a game called “Sleeping Lions”- Lie on the floor as Hillary, our teacher, walked around and squirted our little foreheads with water from a spray bottle.

One memorable activity - in fact, the only memorable activity- was making butter. Hillary put cream in a jar, and all us kids sat in a circle. Everyone got to shake the jar 50 times and by the time the jar made it round, it had turned into butter! We spread it on saltines. I have no idea how this was relevant to anything except tactile skills, basic food knowledge, and entertaining small children, but there you have it.

in a communal fridge

Is that even with its aluminum wrapper and hearty flavor, the Le Marin tastes like fruit yogurt and garlic paste this morning.

Lesson learned, kids.

Butter is a recurrent trope in children’s literature: more on this later.

Perhaps the most well known is Dr. Seuss’s “The Butter Battle Book,” about the Yooks and the Zooks, warring creatures who wear different clothing, and the Yooks eat their bread butter-side-up, and the Zooks butter-side-down. Basically, they enter mutually assured destruction via an escalating arms race because of their refusal to accept the other tribe’s difference.

As I child, I was perplexed.

Why couldn’t they just butter the sides of their bread? Or both sides?

The thought of bread without butter was inconcievable.

Of course, food justice blowhards like Michael Pollan and Jonathan Safran Foer would have me think differently about an animal-based diet, not to mention the geopolitical evils of white bread!

Fortunately, according to one of Newsweek’s latest covers, we may see the “End of Pasta” in our lifetimes :)

So the butter debate is null.

In France, you do not butter your baguette at the dinner table.

Pause. Let that sink in for a minute.

The French, famed for their love of baguettes and butter, do not butter their bread.

I asked a French friend why.

“To have a baguette with dinner is a timeless tradition. Butter spoils the pure flavor of the bread. Perhaps if you are having cheese, you put a little butter on the bread to bring out the flavor. And of course ham sandwiches use butter. And of course toast needs butter in the mornings. But never at the dinner table!”

There you are.

Quick: what’s aged, fatty, named Demi and likes crunchy youthful things?

No folks, it’s not Ms. Moore! (Hi Ashton Kutcher).

It’s demi sel beurre, also known as the French gift to butter lovers.

Why settle for salted butter when you can have demi sel- not just for cooking but for EATING! Yes, salted butter with the salt seamlessly mixed in! I grew up a deprived child of sweet butter, so this is a revelation.

Demi sel beurre, according to the Beurre wikipedia, contains 0.5 to 3 percent salt- unlike salted, which is a full 5 percent salt. Whew!

Président is a beloved and respected cheese company that does a mean butter, too.

Président Demi Sel Beurre

Salt Factor: Less salty than Le Marin, which is after all named for the sea. This is just enough salt for a toothsome zing, but it’s not the main flavor.

Sweet Factor: The main flavor here is the sweet fatty butter, which is yellow and lovely and appropriate for sweet baked goods and toast, not just baguettes.

Savor Factor: The salt isn’t overwhelming, so the sweet grassy Frenchness of the butter here shines through. French cows are happy cows.

Texture: Smooth and spreadable, and it doesn’t get melty when softened. A firm and thick texture. A lovely pale yellow color, it truly complements bread.

Bonus: The package, in inimitable French fashion, says “bread and butter are part of a recommended breakfast!”

I have loved butter since my early days.

My matrilineal side has loved butter and told anecdotes about it forever. In a way, I’m honoring my lineage.

One of my favorite butter anecdotes:

“When you were a little girl, you loved butter so much that you would ask for bread and butter just to eat the butter”

-Maternal Grandmother

This,four, was an age when I was licking butter off bread, when I wasn’t admiring my own reflection in the banquette mirror in the dining room.

Still sounds about right.

This is a body made by butter, you know.

Well, readers, any climatologist will tell you that in the next couple decades, good, abundant food in the western world will be scarce, as sea levels rise, crops dry up, meat hogs resources, and weather patterns go insane. Matter of fact, this is already happening, and food prices are slated to go up.

This blog is a fuck-you to climate change, and a celebration of life, liberty and the pursuit of good butter.

I need to go slather my neurons in some butter, now.

Ta ta!

Hi y’all! I’m reclaiming butter from the provenance of Paula Deen and slathering it where it belongs: on a fresh Parisian baguette.

This first sample, Le Marin, comes in a delightful little blue and white aluminum wrapper. As my mother and grandmother will tell you, aluminum foil preserves butter flavor and quality far better than the wax paper that companies have moved toward in recent years.

Le Marin Beurre Sel Guermande

Salt Factor: The salt, far from drowning out flavor or texture, enhances itself and the baguette. It’s cool and tasty.

Sweet Factor: The salt drowns out some of the creaminess; this is not for sweet teeth!

Savor Factor: Fat and salt are truly a goddess combination. It’s savory, but the fat factor complements a baguette’s crusty flour flavor nicely.

Texture: Clearly salty, but smooth. Has a thin yellowy tinge that spready nicely once softened on baguette, reminiscent of Oleo. Almost oily, in a flavorful way.